Polyjuice Woes
by padfoot76
Summary: Sirius has a solution to James' "Lily-problem". Unfortunately, whatever Sirius plans never really seems to work out in the way he thinks it will.


**A/N: Written for round 7 of QLFC. Beater 2, which means I have to incorporate poly juice potion in this story and these three prompts: Olive, Raindrops, Special.**

"I've got it!" Sirius exclaimed, breaking the silence of the detention room.

James glanced up, not exactly sure how to react to Sirius' outburst.

"Er...yay?"

"No really!" Sirius exclaimed, jumping out of his chair.

James tried to will Sirius back into his chair before they got twenty extra detentions for not staying quiet like they were supposed to. It did not work.

"I'm going to solve all of your problems."

"All - all my problems?" James asked, feeling very concerned. Even though he normally understood Sirius' odd ideas, absolutely did not understand nor like where this was going. Normally, when Sirius said that he was going to solve all of the problems, he created more.

For example, one time, Sirius was certain that he was going to fix James' Herbology grade by tutoring him in the art of caring for plants. Instead, James had received ten detentions for coming into class with plants stuck to his arms, and for scarring many First Years. Sirius had said that sticking plants to his arms would teach James to coexist with plants so that he would not end up killing them accidentally.

Another time, Sirius claimed that he was going help James levitate himself. For this, Sirius and James were supposed climbed a tree, and Sirius was going to show James what it would feel like to be levitated so that he would be able to set his mind properly on the task. It sounded all right in theory, but when James jumped out of the tree, Sirius was unable to aim his levitation charm properly, and James had been stuck in the Hospital Wing for two weeks.

Sirius, always being slow to notice distaste in facial expressions, unsurprisingly, failed to notice James' nervous expression. Instead, he only got more excited. "Yes! Even one involving a very special red-head."

James blinked. A possible solution to his Lily-problem? Although the odds of Sirius actually succeeding in his plan was astronomical, it was still worth a chance. After all, Muggles were able to win lotteries without magical help, so perhaps Sirius would be able to solve his Lily-problem.

"I'm listening," James prompted.

"Well, you know how you're awful at flirting, right?"

"I'm not—"

"So I decided that I could flirt for you!"

James couldn't help but laugh. "That's impossible."

.oOo.

"It's not impossible," James said, staring at Sirius, who was sitting on the floor, adding a few raindrops to the olive-colored potion that was boiling in a cauldron on the messy floor.

"You know, I never understood the difference between raindrops and regular water," Sirius said, stirring the potion. "But no matter, it works. I believe we're done."

"Now..." James said. "It's cool that you made Polyjuice Potion, and you can flirt for me, but I don't like this. That's way too much power."

"It's perfect. I'll walk, seduce Evans, and next thing you know, she'll be following you everywhere."

"But won't it confuse her if there are two James Potters walking around?"

"I've got that covered."

James widened his eyes. He absolutely did not like where this was going.

"No, I'm not going to glue you to the wall," Sirius answered James' unvoiced concerns. "I've got this."

He dragged in an unconscious girl, whom James was positive was named Marlene McKinnon. He had seen her and Lily hanging out occasionally.

"Padfoot!" James squeaked, looking horrified at what was going on.

"You're going to drink Polyjuice Potion too! Then you'll be Marlene, and I'll be you."

"I am not following this logic anymore."

"Loosen up, mate! When did you become a prude?" Sirius asked, thumping James on the back.

"When you said I had to become a girl, and you had to become me!"

While James was shouting, and just about going crazy, Sirius took it upon himself to grab some of James' hair. James reacted in a not so positive way to the sudden pain, in Sirius' view.

"Perfect," Sirius said, rather pleased with his planning. "Now, here's some of Marlene's hair. You drink a cup of Polyjuice, and I'll drink a cup as well."

James shook his head. "I'm not saying this is impossible to work, but this is wrong. And really weird, for that matter."

Sirius shrugged, chugging down his potion.

"Wait!" James yelled, but it was too late. For, right in front of his eyes, was standing Sirius, who look _exactly_ like James.

As if Sirius turning into him was not enough, he grabbed James' glasses and put them upon his own face.

James could not see. He was legally blind. So his glasses were a necessity. Clearly, Sirius did not notice the predicament, as seen from his calm walk to the mirror and the enjoyment of his reflection.

"Hey, Prongs, you look even scrawnier in these clothes."

James did not appreciate Sirius making fun of his body. He tried to shove Sirius and perhaps cause him some physical harm, but, unfortunately, without his glasses, he was swinging like a madman in what he was sure was the opposite direction of Sirius.

Sirius noticed this amazing opportunity to get James to drink the Polyjuice Potion. He grabbed a glass of Polyjuice and dumped a clump of Marlene's hair into it. Then grabbing James by the head, he poured the potion into a struggling James' mouth.

James sputtered. But soon after, Sirius was staring at one angry Marlene McKinnon.

"This is not cool," James said, gasping as he realized how high pitched his voice had become.

"Okay, so the plan is simple - don't give me the Remus-look, James, it's too late - you go to Evans, then I'll come in, and then I'll seduce her, and you make comments that pressure her into going out with me, but then we'll be back to our normal bodies so that you'll have a date with Evans."

The idea grew on James. It sounded more logical when Sirius explained it.

.oOo.

"I can't believe McKinnon is lying naked on our room floor right now," James muttered.

"Shh," Sirius hissed. "Right now, you're Marlene. Now go!"

James stumbled, glared at Sirius, but then made his way over to Lily, who was sitting on the Common Room couch. She looked more than happy to have some company.

"Hey!"

"Hi...Lily," James said, clearing his throat. "How're you?"

"I've been so bored! Everyone is either doing homework, or attending help sessions, or in detention!"

"But you're not, because you're amazing. And nor am I, because I'm brilliant _and_ sexy."

Lily wrinkled her nose, "That sounds like something Potter would say. Don't talk like that."

James could not help but smirk. "You study Potter's mannerisms?"

Lily groaned. "Not this again."

James knew he was going to have to buy Marlene flowers for standing up for him in front of Lily.

"You can study him more, you know, he's coming your way."

Lily almost looked frightened when she turned around, and honestly, James felt similar. Sirius was strutting toward Lily, attempting to look buff, and had a broad grin on his face. James was praying that Sirius did not make a bigger fool of him than he already was doing. But he knew that he had to do his part, in case Sirius did know what he was talking about.

"Ah, Lily-flower, what a surprise! You look absolutely stunning."

"P-potter," Lily stammered, trying to act cool.

"Wow, isn't he hot?" James asked.

"You are the light in my life, Lily-flower," Sirius said, making his voice sound almost husky. Sirius then invited himself to invade Lily's personal space by putting an arm around her shoulder.

James attempted to swoon over his own body. "I would kill to be you right now, Lily."

Lily was too startled at the sudden movements to react.

"I can't live without you. Your lips are stunning. And I, myself, am a hunk of a man, even though you might think I'm scrawny." Sirius paused and gave a look to James.

"Yeah...he's a hunk," James said, trying not to sound disturbed. This conversation was going further off the rails than James had originally expected.

"And I want to snog you senseless. And then shag you senseless. And trust me, I will never be bored of it. Because you are the best Lily-flower in the planet."

"Sh-shag me senseless?" Lily looked more traumatized than turned on. Sirius, for some reason, failed to notice, despite James' warning glares.

"Oh, Lily, I moan for you at night. You're the only girl I think about. And I'm going to marry you so that we can be close. Physically."

James was certain he was going to vomit. Why did Sirius have to add 'physically'?

Lily, on the other hand, was getting more scared. She knew Potter was a one-dimensional person, but even this was getting much.

"And I'm not going to let you reject me anymore," Sirius continued. He grabbed Lily's face and smashed his lips against her's.

James debated stopping Sirius, but was a tad curious to see what Lily's reaction would be.

He got his answer rather quickly. Lily kneed Sirius in the groin, who fell over.

"But Lily-flower!"

"Don't call me that!" she snapped. "I'm never going to go out with you. You're only going to use me! I hate you, James Potter! You're a bloody creep!"

With that exclamation, she stormed out of the room.

When Sirius turned around, he found James glaring at him.

"Yeah, you solved all my problems, didn't you, Sirius?" James asked, sarcasm dripping from his voice.

"Okay, I admit, it could've gone better—"

"–of course it could have! It couldn't have gone any worse! She hates me now _more_ than she did before."

James stood up, ready to stomp up to his dormitory.

"Oh, come on! You're not going to leave on that. I'll come up with some solution!"

James ignored Sirius, and instead went up to his room. There, he was greeted by the cauldron of Polyjuice Potion sitting on the floor, along with a naked Marlene laying next to it. This scene did not make James relax in any way. He crossed his arms, and went back to the Common Room, where Sirius was confused by James' quick return.

"I'm going to the library," James snapped, leaving the Common Room.

"That really could have gone better," Sirius muttered to himself.

.oOo.

The next day, the Hogwarts newspaper was full of many odd pictures and articles. Someone had apparently found James Potter in the library dressed in what Lily Evans swore Marlene McKinnon had been wearing earlier that day. Another person found Sirius Black in the hallways with a torn robe, even though said person was certain he had been walking by James Potter. And there was not a person who did not hear Marlene McKinnon screams when she, apparently, found herself naked in the Marauder's dormitory.

Yes, it had definitely been an odd day at Hogwarts. And James blamed Sirius. He had learned an important lesson: _never_ listen to Sirius. It would only lead to bad things.


End file.
